January 26, 2011 - 5:23 pm
Hello there, old friend diaryland. It has been awhile, some things have changed in the words of dr dre.
I'm on my way to a community yoga and then meditation class thing, that is new. I have never done that.
I'm pretty sure I have a couple personality disorders, didn't think I'd ever say or write that except as a joke.
I'm quitting weed altogether as that seems to exacerbate my social phobia. But it might not be enough.
My main problem is that when I am around other people I am endlessly analyzing every thought they could possibly have that is negative about me. I have very bad self esteem, which is from a bunch of different things but quite a bit to do with my childhoods effect on my relationships.
I'm basically dependent on my girlfriend in totally unhealthy ways. I have over three years of dating her slowly allow all other relationships to fall apart/disintegrate/whatever. This makes me feel guilty and those feelings pervade all social interaction. It's a catch 22 of me feeling awkward about all the time.
One of the disorders is dependency personality disorder which basically has me with the energy and motivation to do things but I can't do them on my own without kristina....I end up doin lots of nothing and feeling bad about it.
I'm not happy with my job at all and constantly want to get a new one but what I thought was laziness might actually be a fear of rejection, which I never considered at all.
I used to think I had very high self esteem, but now it all just seems like a self defense mechanism. I think the root cause of all this might be my parents divorcing when I was real young and both of them moving on without doing the best parenting they could have.
My dad made a real hard effort on the weekends, but in the end got remarried to a psycho who made our lives awful and he sorta just sided with her/ignored our suffering until they got divorced, then he just apologized once to me and my brothers for the years of bad times.
My mom on the other hand had us the other 5 days of the week and never felt the need to make up for lost time, she jut drank a lot and checked out as far as parenting, I don't really feel like I know her too well at all.
Well I just got to the meditation place, it has a very peaceful vibe and even though an hour ago I was full of anxiety I'm happy I came.
Thank you diaryland confessional.